Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Epilogue

Part 1
BABY GOT BACK

A silver Mercedes rolls up to the front of the gym as a worker comes out to enthusiastically greet their new arrival, a member who they all know well by now.

The door of the Benz swings open as an older gentleman emerges, lookin’ sharp in his designer suit and shades.

“Dave!  Welcome back!”  The worker exclaims as Dave gives her a smile and proceeds through the doors.

Dave receives waves and greetings from the other familiar gym members as he finds his way to a bench where he sits down and proceeds to neatly remove his suit, revealing his rather short red workout shorts and a white tank top.  He laces up his sneakers and begins to warm up for a workout.

After a few stretches, Dave feels something amiss… something in his…  uh oh, he grabs his chest and bends over.

*Gasp* He drops to the floor.  *Thud*

The other gym members rush over there, as one of the males comes forward, pushing the others back.

“I’m a doctor!  Back up, give’im some room!”

The doctor feels Dave’s lifeless chest for signs of breathing.  Then he continues to check his pulse.

“He’s got no pulse.”

The doctor begins to perform CPR on Dave, pumping his chest and breathing into his mouth.

His persistence is no use.  Dave is dead.  The doctor calls it and regrettably gives up as the crowd around him looks on in a daze, shocked and speechless.

And then suddenly, the old man lets out a gasp and hops up from the gym floor.  Looking round at everyone, “I’m okay!  I’m okay!”   He immediately goes into an aerobic routine as each person returns to their own workout, amazed at his quick turnaround.

“One, two, one, two.”

Dave glances over at the front doors as they swing open and an unfamiliar face walks through, sporting a baby blue sweatsuit.  Dave’s jaw drops to the floor, figuratively at least.

As she fills out the necessary new member paperwork, a fellow female member talks about her and music begins¹:

Female gym member:

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like, one of those rap guys’ girlfriends… But, you know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because she looks like a total prostitute, okay? I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like, out there, I mean… gross. Look! She’s just so … black!

As Dave sings, the new member finishes her paperwork and goes to her workout, and Dave’s exercises get gradually more ridiculously lusty. As the music goes on, the fellow members notice and look on surprised and comically disgusted at the old man:

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with a itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin’
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
‘Cause you ain’t that average groupie
I seen her dancin’
To hell with romancin’
She’s sweat, wet,
Got it goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette
I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell ‘em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

(LA face with a Oakland booty)
Baby got back!

(LA face with a Oakland booty)
(LA face with a Oakland booty)

I like ‘em round, and big
And when I’m throwin’ a gig
I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like an animal
Now here’s my scandal
I wanna get you home
And uh, double-up, uh, uh
I ain’t talkin’ bout Playboy
‘Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want ‘em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot’s in trouble
Beggin’ for a piece of that bubble
So I’m lookin’ at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin’ like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I’ll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won’t cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin’ on
A lot of simps won’t like this song
‘Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I’d rather stay and play
‘Cause I’m long, and I’m strong
And I’m down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!

Baby got back!
Yeah, baby … when it comes to females, Cosmo ain’t got nothin’
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she’s 5’3″.

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin’ workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don’t want none
Unless you’ve got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don’t lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain’t goal
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you’re fat
Well I ain’t down with that!
‘Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin’
And I’m thinkin’ ’bout stickin’
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain’t it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can’t resist her
Red beans and rice didn’t miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
‘Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit ‘em
And I pull up quick to get wit ‘em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

Baby got back!

Little in the middle but she got much back
Little in the middle but she got much back
Little in the middle but she got much back
Little in the middle but she got much back

<< Prologue | Part 2 >>

1. Sir Mix-a-Lot – Baby Got Back